Opening a Discussion on Agreements

As discussed on the previous page, whose basket are we talking about? This page deals with their basket; the next page deals with my basket.

A few more thoughts about the differences. First, the situation and age of the child can determine whether a rule remains ours to make, i.e., non-negotiable, or we decide to lead the person or group toward an agreement, which we find by having a discussion. That decision depends on age and circumstance.

We are at a picnic, children expect to have fun with the other children, but we also are eating. Certainly the expectations for eating on a picnic are different than in a restaurant. Likewise, children at age 2 are different from age 6 who can discuss meanings and conditions. Leadership and Care intentions change with age, moving away from non-negotiable rules to agreements that shift the responsibility to them as soon as possible.

Here is what the difference sounds like.

non-negotiable — “Everyone must be seated while eating. No walking around with food.”

agreement — “It’s best when we have some way to make sure can eat without inhaling food into our lungs.  How could we do that?

In the first, the adult will act assertively to manage this class of mistakes.
In the second, the adult opens a genuine discussion, so everyone is on the same page; once we talk about it, we have an understanding set ahead of time.

Doing Good Work

We value community and responsibility. Everyone ought to have a voice in decisions that have an impact on their lives as well as the lives of those around them. As children grow the ‘big boss’ guidance shrinks, much more rapidly than one might think.

A young person’s awareness and wisdom grows from participation in decision-making. In solving small problems, they acquire ability through practice. They become actors and thinkers when the stakes are not life-threatening. In the teen years problems can be have considerable consequences, such as pregnancy, mind alteration, and riding in cars with friends. I think most people want children to practice choosing well when younger. Besides, being able to decide responsibly corresponds to changes in brain development; growing cognitive capabilities includes their natural desire to do good work.

Agreement Practice

Our job is to lead it, which may not be familiar to people without a background in it. The task is to open up an opportunity, keep to the topic at hand, and treat the children as colleagues, not underlings.

The leader has a standard agenda to follow every time we do this. It is a norm.

1. I state the goal
2. I invite suggestions for ways to accomplish that goal
3. I record suggestions, so the group can review them as they work
4. At the end I make sure that everyone accepts the current agreement: a nodding head and an assumption that silence acknowleges acceptance
5. I state that the agreement is open to change; if experience shows it doesn’t work or someone offers a better idea, we get agreement on the modifications.

Examples

It’s best to discuss the Agreement Practice examples with another person, because they bring different ways to think, which is what we hope the children are doing, too.

I provide the answers to #1 and #5. Your challenge is to create the same kind of statements for #2, #3, and #4.

1. You are shopping with your child at the market. Your child may have been impulsively messing with the merchant’s display. You want to find a way to convey responsibilities for handling the food on display:

–Say it in a non-negotiable way. “No touching.”

–Say it as an opportunity for agreement. “We want to make sure we can choose what we want to buy and keep the display nice. How could we treat it with care, so it stays beautiful for others?”

The agreement agenda states the goal and then invites discussion. The discussion goes where it goes until we establish general agreement. 

If displays are disrupted after we had buy-in, then trust is broken. Then we have to deal with that. “If either of us don’t do what we said we would do, then we can’t do this together; we might as well go home. What do you think we have to do when we make agreements so they work?”

2. You want to find a way to convey responsibilities for getting out of the house on time in the morning:

–Say it in a non-negotiable way.

–Say it as an opportunity for agreement.

The agreement agenda states the goal and then invites discussion.

What if the child still dawdles in pajamas?

3. You want to find a way to convey responsibilities about attending a group meeting time:

–Say it in a non-negotiable way.

–Say it as an opportunity for agreement.

The agreement agenda states the goal and then invites discussion.

What if children leave the group?

4. You want to find a way to convey responsibilities about wrestling and chase-and-tackle games:

–Say it in a non-negotiable way.

–Say it as an opportunity for agreement.

The agreement agenda states the goal and then invites discussion.

What if children continue to chase, tackle, and pile on?

5. You want to state your policy about riding the city bus and children wish to change seats:

–Say it in a non-negotiable way. “If you want to change seats ask me first.”

–Say it as an opportunity for agreement. “The bus may stop unexpectedly and you may fly into hard things if you are not holding on. How can we decide how to change seats and not have that happen?”

If the children still don’t follow the group-created agreement, then the trip is in jeopardy. “Something is really wrong when we don’t follow the ideas we created together, so maybe we should get off at the next stop, unless you have a better solution.”

The Unfinished Food Problem

Here is a recorded example of negotiating rules. Lucy, 5 ½ years, and Mom are working out the issue of screaming possessiveness. Julian, 2 ¼ years, is the younger sibling. In the morning Lucy had a snack of a pear, tea, and honey. She left the table without clearing her place whereupon Julian offered to eat the rest of her pear. Mom cut it up and gave it to him. Lucy attacked, saying the pear was HERS!!!!!!!!! 

1. Mom: I am confused, Lucy. It seemed like you were finished and left it. Julian wanted it and I cut it up for him. I don’t understand.
2. Lucy: Don’t take it and cut it up for anyone!
3. Mom: I still don’t know what you are using and not using, if it’s left on the table.
4. Lucy: If you see a little bit of bites, then it is not finished. If you see a lot of bites that means it is finished.
5. Mom: OK. But what about this? Sometimes I give you a glass of milk and you drink some and then leave the rest on the table, like last night. You didn’t want any more milk.
6. Lucy: I took a sip.
7. Mom: So, there was just a little bit of milk gone, but you were finished.
8. Lucy: Well, it’s different for milk.
9. Mom: Is it?
10. Lucy: Yeah, because I stay at the table and drink milk.
11. Mom: And the pear?
12. Lucy: It’s different for food.
13. Mom: So, with milk you stay at the table and when you leave, you are done.
14. Lucy: (nods yes)
15. Mom: And with food, I’m supposed to look at how many bites have been taken. What if it’s a food that you don’t like, you know, you take a couple of bites and decide that you don’t like it.
16. Lucy: You can just take it.
17. Mom: What’s my clue? If I see just one bite I will think Lucy still wants to eat it.
18. Lucy: But if you see soup that I don’t like and tried and hated it…
19. Mom: I would still think that you might want it.
20. Lucy: And I’ll say I don’t like it, don’t worry you can take it.
21. Mom: So, you’ll let us know if you don’t like it. Is that right?
22. Lucy: Yeah.
23. Mom: Yeah, but there’s still those things on the table, the tea and the honey.
24. Lucy: You can just chuck it or put it in the fridge.
25. Mom: So you don’t’ want it. If it were mine, I would just take it to the sink.
26. Lucy: And chuck it?
27. Mom: Be done with it. What if the stuff you’re done with you put by the sink? Then if I saw it there, I’d know you were done with it. If it were on the table, I’d know you weren’t.
28. Lucy: What if you forget? What if you get mixed up and the stuff by the sink is still being used?
29. Mom: I don’t think I’d get mixed up, because I always think that stuff by the sink needs to be washed. What if you forget to take your stuff to the sink?
30. Lucy: I’ll never forget. I can remember over night.
31. Mom: Well, I guess we have a deal then.
32. Lucy: Deal.

An agreement means the adult has to agree, too, no acquiescence to the child. We seek equality of points of view, which only the adult, the one with more privilege, can establish.

Now we explore communicating non-negotiable rules, when situations are in “my basket.”

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