Pick a New Good Behavior to Reward
If we stopped our protocol for dealing with difficult behavior right here and only change the consequences that happened after the mistake, we would be constantly looking for mistakes. There’s one! Now I’ll do this.
Usually changing only the consequences fails to alter the behavior, with the exception of Personal Record and Positive Practice which operate in a significantly different way.
Behaviors followed by pleasant consequences are more likely to occur again. This is a true statement proven by years of research.
It’s opposite, behaviors followed by unpleasant consequences are less likely to occur again is not true.
It’s inescapable. In order to change troublesome behavior we have to include in our plan a way to make some alternative behavior more pleasant at the same time as implement our choice of a new consequence.
Two Sets of Alternatives
Incompatible List
Brainstorm time. Without judging any proposed idea, the task is to develop a list of alternative behaviors that are the exact opposite of the undesirable behavior, where it is impossible to do both the bad and the good at the same time. For example, running in the classroom and walking in the classroom are incompatible. Eating at the table is incompatible with running around with food in one’s mouth.
Substitutable List
At the same time, it is possible to develop a list of behaviors that accomplish the same ends—what the troublesome one could be wishing for—but are more appropriate or skillful ways to do it. For example, saying “Excuse me. Can I get by?” is more appropriate and kind than pushing others roughly aside. Saying “Can we trade?” is substitutable for grabbing. “Could I have it after you?”
That’s it. I wish I could offer more help than that, but there are only two categories, and those who meeting to discuss this problem are the only people on the planet that can figure out what is going on.
I have found from doing this over and over again that once the brainstorming is done, one item on one of the lists emerges as a winner. It’s something agreeable to try.
Here are examples; then you can continue where we left off working on the real experiences of Sandy, Jeremy, and Charlie.
Examples
Problem: child drops coat in front of cubby’s coat hook. Hanging up the coat is incompatible with dropping it on the floor. Asking someone else to hang up one’s own coat is substitutable for dropping it on the floor (and become uniquely privileged).
Problem: child deliberately pours glue onto the floor. Pouring glue onto paper on the table in incompatible with pouring it on the floor. Pouring glue onto paper set on the floor is substitutable for the same action. Now it can happen appropriately (and become science).
Problem: child pours sand on another child’s head. Digging a hole or filling a container are incompatible. Pouring sand on a head protected by a rain hood or pouring sand on a doll’s head are substitutable.
Incompatible — Substitutable Challenge
I invite you, with with others, to generate lists of ideas for the three children from Identifying the A-B-C Pattern page. Sandy. Jeremy. Charlie.
Usually it’s easy to spot the best choice, at least good enough for now. That’s all this step tries to do.
The plan is to have a shared idea about the kinds of things to make more pleasant than it has been. Oftentimes we don’t look at things that way.
Finally we have a positive perspective—doing something nice—better than waiting for the whining, climbing or dumping to occur so we can act. It’s pleasant to concentrate on the “good” and make a big deal over kindness and courtesy.
Actually, making a little deal works even better. A casual, off-hand remark, a smile, or a wink works without any fuss. Better than a trumpet.
Being rewarding has its own challenges. It’s normal to mess people up in trying to be good to them. Cultural habits are dull pencils when we need precision; praising (“good job”) or copying what others do (“I like the way you are walking.”), for example, have already proven not to work. Usually, is easy to see.
Enterprise Talk page has guides.
Using Rewards Effectively has its own place on the menu.
If you want an easy answer right now, try non-verbal or vocal recognition—a silly noise, smile, thumbs up, or change in your posture can be golden.
Air Mattress Effect
At this step of the protocol we have some reasonable options to try whenever they commit a wrongdoing. There is always the chance for the air mattress effect: you sit on it here and it inflates bigger over there. More work is ahead.
The Protocol Agenda
With the listing of incompatible and substitutable behavior you can probably see now what this protocol planning is doing. The agenda proceeds logically from one item to the next, as the focus shifts from them to us. In stopping them being bad we have to be really, really good.
We are building an agreement, something we can help each other do, as a team. Each time through this, I have improved my life. I have grown toward the real me, for which I remain grateful. As we grow ourselves, we grow the children.
Here is another RED task to bring this point back to your life experience. You might recall how your life was influenced when others were responsive, attentive and positive about something you did or where you proved yourself worthy. How did that work?