What We Want

When children act in troubling ways and we need to act, what do we want to happen? What is the goal?

Do we want change right now or can we ease into a long-term view, say, next month?
Do we want to immediately stop our inconvenience and upset?
Do we assume we have to take over and fix it?

It seems reasonable that clarification of our desired end has to happen first, right now, before we proceed further. It’s also reasonable to expect the the best to happen: the affected group—a family or classroom—ought to want to seek improvement for each of its members—to deal with the person with kindness and not expect the hammer to come down on the evil-doers or send them away.

On our part, if we were wise and capable, one would aspire to learn from this current challenge and not continue some knee-jerk habit nor carry forward what our parents did.  I think most people would agree to this fundamental aspiration: the ideal contains kindness toward others when it’s really, really hard to do.

The Gap

We are best when we are present and spontaneous and not overwhelmed by the behavior of the difficult person. It’s better to be our best, most natural self. If it’s possible to do shift from one to the other immediately. No leaping without thinking.

In times of trouble we can pause, wait a tiny bit, and quickly preview coming intentions. A time to  think opens a possibility of on-the-spot creativity. Choosing a gap is action.

Thinking is not inaction. When people can think and notice what’s going on, we develop ideas that we hope will improve our lives. As soon as we discover something that might work, we act. When the ideas mean something to us, the distance between thinking and acting dissolves. People don’t hesitate to get started. They don’t sit around figuring out the risks or waiting until someone else develops an implementation strategy. They just start doing. If that action doesn’t work, they try something different. —Meg Wheatley

Human beings, no matter what age, are naturally wise and grow best when cooperatively working through problems, freely making their own decisions, and creatively correcting their own mistakes. That is education to do good work.

When ideas are ours

Ideas that mean something to you are built from your life experience—built from doing.

You can add to your store of life experiences right now. I’d like to invite you to watch this 73 second clip and write down the reflection challenges below (in red). As I said in the introduction that your actions, your participation, your work right now is to get active and play.

I have set up a long series of these for you to actually do, so ideas mean something. 

Your History

Recalling your history: have you ever faced a behavior problem?

My earliest memory was in seventh grade as a baby-sitter for two brothers who at one point came at me with violence, their belts swinging, buckle first. I truly believed they were going to hit me and it would hurt. I had no idea what to do.

1. I invite you to take out a piece of paper, any paper, and list the times you faced difficult behavior in the past.

First on my list would be Dennis, aged four. You should have seen Dennis; I spent three years with him; he required a specially-hired a one-on-one attendant throughout school. Mark was memorable, too. And Lisa. You’ll meet Lisa near the end of this.

2. Then, with others, share one of the stories or write what happened.

It is worthwhile to hear the experiences of others in order to establish a background, a place to start. If you want to discover new, more effective ways to deal with troubling behavior, you have to do the exercises I have spread out for you. Discover is the essential word.

You can just read along, but that’s receiving not constructing.

3. Now list the words that describe how you were feeling when confronted with difficult behavior. Jot down words that describe your emotions and thoughts when that happens before you read below the lines.

I have listened to hundreds of people describe their emotions at those times. People often use words such as helpless, frustrated, angry. disappointed, incompetent, doubtful, ignorant, outraged, and lost. Maybe you have felt something like that.  Although a few say challenged, determined, most list emotions that are the some of the worst feelings we can have as educators or parents.

4. Time to write how you would like to be. What do you need to be better at it? What would make the issue simply disappear?

Here are pause lines inviting you to take a minute to actually say your answer aloud.

I asked people to formulate the opposite of having traumatic feelings. They said things like this.

I want to stay calm. I want to be confident and self-assured. I want to know more. I want options and good ideas. I want to be supported by other educators and parents. I want to be able to express my love and trust in the child as I help the child in that situation. I want to stay calm.

Confidence

Moving to this confident and self-assured way of being, without the negative emotional stress, is the purpose of Leadership and Care. Knowing isn’t enough. I can prove that by giving you all the knowledge you need in The Optimal Way at the bottom of this page.

Stairs Ahead

The links through this topic, like these chiseled granite stairs, offer access to something almost spiritual we can’t see from where we are right now. The way is offered, but physical effort is required.

Close by is the first step, if you wish to climb. It’s simple: you take one step to stand where the second step becomes available.

The possibility ahead, maybe this year or in two years, is arrival at a new way of being. This way upward offers something you won’t find anywhere else.

I promise that if you proceed in diligent action, you will alter your ways of being with children. The results are long-lasting because it’s yours.

If you are a parent, and make those changes, your children will never have to; this way of being as their existing foundation, as if they were born at the top landing. 

Foundation

Each child, each parent, each educator is like no one else in the history of the planet. Each lives in circumstances are unique, too. Every troubling situation is new. As I look back, I have handled each troubling behavior differently. The fundamentals, which give us wisdom, remain constant.

1. I trust children.

When a child creates a problem at home or at school, I am likely to believe that the child is communicating something we might benefit from paying attention to. Often a child could be trying to show that the adults in their life are over-restrictive and don’t trust their intelligence.

You are treating me unfairly.
You are boxing me in.
You stop me from my impulse on your impulse, without any perceivable reason.
You treat me as a thing to boss around, telling me to do this or do that.
I never get to make any real choices.

I see this happen in many schools. I see powerful adults discount the powerful nature of children.

Children taught me that. I found a deep love for those children who gave me the most the most grief. I came to value their strength and spirit. I liked myself better, too.

I trust in the liveliness of the child and the beauty of being human. If I remember that when something is upsetting I can think to myself, “Oops. Something needs addressing.” 

Trust is an interesting word to define.Trust isn’t an immediate gift; it’s built over time by being authentic, being present, and, above all, telling the truth. My job is to start with the possibility of seeking the truth right now, in this horrible moment.

2. I view the child as competent.

I am more likely to be of assistance transferring responsibility to children if we can open communication, which can happen when I know my strength lies in leadership and care. The guides for leadership are addressed in Enterprise Talk, in the menu Model~Inform~Be positive.

I can inform by describing (a) the consequences to others that arise from a certain act, (b) the consequences for the child herself, and (c) the consequences for me. It sounds rather like this:

“When you run out of bounds, the group has to wait until this problem is solved and doesn’t get to play as much. You could become lost or confused. I would have to organize a hunt, fill out of reports, and possibly lose my job.”  

Then I emphasize positivity, acknowleging their strength and agency, mentioning love, and, when appropriate, offering a chance for a hug. This is care. This is treating children as capable and competent in dicey times.

3. I am the leader of a learning community.

I am not the powerful problem solver big person; I am a leader in this community of people. My actual job is more of a moderator living alongside others in a lively, interdependent community of individuals. My role is to behave like a leader in that the community. I live as a wise elder who knows the ancient wisdom of enhancing each other’s lives and values the welfare of all.

Problems deepen connections. It is fortunate to have another opportunity to work together to find new ways of living well. As a leader I can ask that we look back at this time and reflect upon the joy of being listened to and belonging.

Schools are fortunate, since they provide a larger, more multi-cultural community. Since it is true that people learn best from each other and more kinds of mistakes happen, members of a class, no matter what age, are the best ones to help each other learn who they are and who others are as they reciprocally co-construct their identities.

Often the hive minds of children often contain the most basic wisdom. We take the time, because it is the time. We get better, too. Growing and changing is pretty cool.

As promised above, here is the knowledge.

The Optimal Way to Deal with Troubling Behavior

One of my earliest inquiries was to try to understand why some adults were so fabulous with children. It didn’t make sense why some people were not having the trouble I was having. It was as if they came born with the Force in them. Why was that true? When I asked some of them if they learned to be so good because of how they were treated by their parents, most said no; many described their families as dysfunctional.

But they were not dysfunctional. They were amazing. When they dealt with “difficult” children, the children were no longer difficult. This was fascinating to me, so I took notes on how these people acted and gradually pieced together what it was they brought with them. They brought an ability to do five kinds of things.

EXPRESS THE POSITIVES

These people were markedly happy, joyous, and full of laughter. I am sure you have been around people who are like that. They were constantly saying good things about others. They might bring surprise gifts, such as flowers or snacks. I know they made me feel like they really cared for me and others, too. We all were affected by their presence. We laughed more and smiled at each other more. Their energy made us feel great. These people lived contagious joy.

EXPRESS THE NEGATIVES

They also addressed what was wrong; they immediately called out mistakes by describing the mistake, not attacking or being judgmental. Mistakes are facts. They also describe the impacts these problems had on other people while remaining composed and affable. They were constructive and clear. They conveyed a sense of trust in the children that they could and would fix what needed fixing.

BE ASSERTIVE

These people could not be pushed around. They stood their ground. They stood up for themselves and their own rights. They conveyed in no uncertain terms what was totally unacceptable and what could be negotiated if that was necessary. They stuck to what they said even when criticized or challenged. They did not participate in arguments.

MAKE COMFORTABLE REQUESTS

They also seemed somehow able to convey to children what needed to be done in a way that offered shared responsibility. No bossiness. No being withdrawn or sullen either. It was like the difference between “Go wash the dishes.” and “We have lots to clean up in the kitchen. It’s a good time for us to catch up.” Pushing was totally absent, so there was no need for anyone to push back.

CUE CONSTRUCTIVE ALTERNATIVES

Somehow they knew just what to say to offer ways for children to express their feelings and needs appropriately. They would catch children before they made a mistake and inform them of better ways to act or what to say. This was almost an art form: little reminders, timely given, worked wonders.

5. How well did your own parents do at these 5 Optimal Ways?

It is worthwhile to listen to someone else’s thoughts about the 5 Optimal Ways and their background experience in growing up, because in listening new awarenesses appear in your mind.